Me and My Pensieve

the broken pensieve...

2006-04-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

I broke my pensieve last night. In the height of my so-called-happy-mood, I tried to use it once more so I could put in there the good things my birthday gave me. But I failed to do so. The ones I left in there started to get into me. I felt weak. Knees started to shake. Arms hanged loose. Bumped my head on the pensieve before fell on the ground. In my immobile state, I see my world spinning. It was like I am being sucked into an endless pit. Endless I say because it gave me time to ponder on the truth about me...

I am a slut. Some say so. The truth is, I am not. What people don’t see is the person in me who wants to feel loved and cared for. I am using sex to catch attention. Hoping that the one who is going to use me will somehow be sensitive to feel my heart rather than my ass. It is tiring acting like a whore. I have to stop this before I combust from the heat my fuckers are giving out.

I told myself that I wouldn’t stop loving. I never did stop loving. But the thing is, I end up hurting myself the more. Believing that it is love this time around and yet it is not. My heart is not broken. It looks more like something Mr. Quickie cannot fix. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to find something that can hold its pieces together. Maybe it is a wrong move for me to love after all.

I am a great pretender. You see me smiling happily. It is because I am an actor playing the role of Maria, singing The Sound of Music while running around the hills. Seeing the world in colors of a box of crayons. But I cannot live to be an actor for the rest of my life. As much as I want to, reality chews. I am only living in a gray-scaled life. A life of sadness and disappointments that to enumerate is not advisable. The life I do not want people to see.

I get happy sometimes. What I mean is, really happy. The times like when I am with my best friend Keech, while in our drunkenness, telling each other how fortunate we are to have each other as really good friends. Times when friends ask me to go out with them. Just recently, this guy named Maui gave me another reason to be happy. With me in his arms and in a tight hug. It felt really good. As if someone’s really there to give me comfort (and make me feel loved and cared for?). Unfortunately, happiness won’t stay longer than I wanted to. An action is always equaled by an opposite reaction. It has always been that way.

I am a coward. You think I am strong. As the song suggests, you’re wrong! Really, I am a weakling. So much a weakling that I cannot even fight for what I truly feel. About my family. About my friends. About the person I am inlove with. I hate losing people. It’s better that I shut my mouth and feel hurt for a lifetime than losing them.

The only thing that keeps me going despite these truths mentioned is my ability to grieve and accept. My life may be a mess but I know, je survivrai…
I woke up with unbearable headache and a heavy heart. The pensieve is leaking. It won’t be able to keep its magical use for a long time. Better not use it anymore. What do you think?

why won't people stay?

2006-03-21T11:18:00.000+08:00

/* Time started : 8:51:32 AM

/* Is there something wrong with me? I am trying not to think this way but there may be something that is wrong with me. I want to cry now. I really do but i can't. I am at the office.

/*I feel weak. Too weak to speak. Too weak to push the keys of my keyboard. Now, i have to exert more effort to finish this entry.

Why won't people stay?...except my family..

Why won't people stay?.....Keech not included...

Why wont people stay?......

I promised be ever present for people who needs me and to those who just want my company. Maybe that is why i am EXPECTING, that they do the same for me. Most people i met told me that they want us to be very good friends. But these "most people" are the ones who weren't able to last.

/* Busy coding my program.

*toot toot toot tooooot!* ..text message from Enrique just arrived. It says...

Kgbi ntanong ko

srili k0.

"Hanggng kLan

kYa kTa

KAIBIGAN?" e2

ngat inumaga

nko dko pa

nasasagot! Npngiti

nlng ako, sbay

sbi:"hnggat may

umaga KAIBIGAN

kta" u

Sender:

ricky go 23

+63922*******

Sent:

21-Mar-2006

10:44:20

Well..i think i have to thank Ricky. It's am just happy that eventhough I don't reply most of the times, he never stopped sending me really nice txt messages. And this one is in the right timing. Made me feel better...I love you tol!

/* Time finished: 11:20:28 AM

pbc update 23012006...

2006-01-23T16:22:00.000+08:00

Work

I still don't have a project. It is quite demoralising for me not to even have one project. Still, i am trying to make my beingness in this company utile. I clean the pantry area. I always check if the doormat is placed properly in front of the door. Place chairs where they should be. Entertainment for officemates(sing, act and dance). Trying to improve myself on Java. Read ebooks and emails. Kill time.

I had an interview last Friday. I sucked.

Relationship

I broke up with my "virtual boyfriend" who gave out all effort not to compromise on to something that we need for the "virtual relationship" to work. I grieved...for a week. Not too much grieving. I am very tired of that. I didn't cry but i was really sad and low. Still, i am proud to say.."Look ma! No tears! Again i have proved myself that i am a strong person. I remembered singing some few lines of a song a week after the event. Hehehe. It goes a little something like this...

Ako ang nagwagi! Naitago ko ang damdaming kong sawi!

and another one...

Don't cry out loud! Just keep it inside...Learn how to hide you feelings.

I didn't do it all by myself though. I am just so grateful that my friends were around those times. I had some people to talk to about the loss for a bit and converse about something light afterwards. Never whine... i told myself (but i cant help being teary-eyed when i am alone...again...around those times).

No more relationship for me at the moment. I still need time mending my funked heart.

Love

Never stop loving. Hehehehe!!!

I like someone i met before the break up with my ex-boyfriend. But i don't think i should pursue for some reasons. First, i am not the type of person he would want to have as a partner. Second, I think small of myself whenever i talk to him because i get to know things he wants in a partner, and i don't have it. Lastly, i am starting to really feel for him and i think it will not be good for me since i am still in the process of refurbishing up my hollow muscular organ located behind the sternum and between the lungs whose rhythmic contractions pump blood through my body keeping me alive (commonly known as the heart). Another blow will only make me go wacko.

I met up with him last week. For dinner. I just discovered that I feel hurt when his skin and mine are touching. maybe its because i know that he is not mine. I felt both happy and sad at the same time whenever he gets too close to me. I felt like I am a Quasimodo trying his very best not to fall in love with the person he admires so much because he looks so beastly and feels small about himself. I wanted to embrace him. Feel him in my arms. Kiss him. Gently. Passionately. But I can not.

I miss him. =P

Friendship

I guess my friends are doing good. No whiner for the longest time. hehehe.

I got to know someone whose a friend/acquiantance of this guy i like. My first impression of him is that he was so childish and fussy. He saw me online at mIRC and we chatted. I befriended him. I found out the reason behind the attitude. He is in love with the guy. He he he. He was just too emotional.

Last Friday evening, the three of us were online. Things got bad for us. I told the too-emotional-guy i don't want to be his friend anymore because he's kind of badmouthing the guy i like. And i don't want that. So, we were just friend for a while and then.. poof!... gone, just because he was acting like a nutter that time.

I could have been a good friend for him. I wanted to. I thought i could help him shake off his immature attitude. But I can not make friends with people who speak unfavorable about people who does not do them anything nasty.

Others

I started collecting coins. Those that are new and shiny, I put in a vase-like bottle. It looks good. heheh. I just hope i could fill it up in a year. The bottle Mama gave me is quite big. I also hope i'll have the strength to refrain myself from spending those coins. =)

good pointers...

2006-01-09T10:13:00.000+08:00

/* came from an email sent to me by an officemate named Marvin

/* nice read..

/* i'm hungry..i need to eat... got to go..

/* happy reading!

The ten types of relationship that won't work:
1. You care about your partner more than he does about you.
2. Your partner cares more about you than you do about him.
3. You are in love with your partner's potential.
4. You are on a rescue mission.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
7. You have partial compatibility.
8. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
9. You choose a partner as a reaction to your previous partner.
10. Your partner is unavailable.

The six BIGGEST mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship:
1. We don't ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction.
6. We put Commitment Before Compatibility.

Seven Wrong Reasons to be in a Relationship:
1. Pressure(age, family, friends, etc.)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness.

The Lust into Love Formula
1. First, you feel powerful sexual chemistry with someone or, in raw terms, lust.
2. Next, you act on those urges and have sex with that person.
3. Then you experience some guilt or discomfort having been so sexually intimate with someone you aren't that emotionally connected with.
4. Finally you create a relationship with that person to legitimize your lust.

Five Realities about Love
1. Love is not enough to make a relationship work - it needs compatibility and it needs commitment.
2. It just takes a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.
3. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person - there are many potential partners you could be happy with.
4. The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
5. Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does.

Five Deadly Myths about Love
1. True love conquers all.
2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.
3. There is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.

Fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner:
1. Addictions.
2. Anger.
3. Victim consciousness.
4. Control freak
5. Sexual Dysfunction.
6. Hasn't grown up.
7. Emotionally unavailable.
8. Hasn't recovered from past relationships.
9. Emotional damage from childhood.

Here are seven compatibility time bombs that can destroy a relationship:
1. Significant age difference.
2. Different religious background.
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational background.
4. Toxic in-laws.
5. Toxic ex-spouse.
6. Toxic Stepchildren.
7. Long-distance relationships.

Six qualities to look for in a mate:
1. Commitment to personal growth.
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem.
6. Positive Attitude towards life

"TRUE LOVE cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor cannot be hidden where it truly does."

mistron's dread

2005-12-15T11:19:00.000+08:00

/* no more water in the pantry.

/* came late to work. most of us did. 'Twas the heavy traffic.

/* i am going to blog something. i hope my new baby won't visit this webpage again to see this entry.

i don't feel good today. Emotionally. Because i am inlove. Because I fear.

i fear so much that i can't even describe the way i feel. I can't even organise my thoughts. I can't write about it though i am meaning to , right now. I want to get this out of my system before it eats me.

i need to see a shrink. better than blogging? i guess so.

/* WATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

magmamahal muli...

2005-11-21T14:37:00.000+08:00

umaasang magmamahal muli
ang buong akala ko'y siya na
kabiguan ang napala
paghilom ng puso'y hindi madali
ang malamang mahal mo'y
walang pag-ibig sayo

ang umasang magmahal muli
ang syang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating

ito'y darating
ito'y darating... sayo

hanggang sa tayo'y matuto
sa kabiguang natamo
kaya ako ay naghihintay
sa tunay kong mahal
isipin ang bukas
at kalimutan ang nakalipas

ang umasang magmahal muli
syang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating sayo

aking naranasan....ohhhhhh
ang pagluha tulad ng sa ulan

ang umasang magmamahal muli
syang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating sayo

ang umasang magmamahal muli
syang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
ito'y darating,

ito'y darating,
ito'y darating... sayo

ohhhhhhh.....ito'y darating sayo

i lost my baby..

2005-11-09T13:15:00.000+08:00

/* i did a stupid thing and now i lost my baby.

baby,

i love you very much. i know we haven't known each other long. i don't even know your real name. but ever since i met you i've been beset by thoughts of you. exactly like the song said.

baby, i have lots to tell you. things that i said i'll explain to you when we meet but we didn't get to talk about it.

u asked me one time of what i fancy the most. a gay married life i answered. why??? i know i am different. i can not have an ordinary life. if i am to like something, it must be something that may materialize. it won't happen today or tomorrow but i believe it will happen.

i told you once that i feel afraid when i think of you. it means i feel it everytime i breathe. what am i afraid of??? losing you. i wanted to be someone who is always there for you and with you. i wanted to be a part of your life. unlike some people who just come and go. i don't know if you notice that i am also afraid to touch you. its because i fear that i might get used to it. if that happens, it will hurt me not to touch you. i'll go crazy. just like the way i feel now.

baby, i never asked you to be my lover. i won't ever. i wanted us to be very special friends. lovers go apart when the break each other's heart. friends stay forever no matter what.

i am only 25. i don't expect someone like me to be mature enough to know what is right or wrong. maturity takes enormous time to achieve. it was the childish thing in me that ruled over when last night happened. i said i am sorry i did really wrong. i can ask you to tell me what i have to do to be forgiven but i guess you won't be giving that chance right now. still, i am determined to wait for that to happen.

baby, dad always misses you. dad will always be here for you.

i love you.

i can't say anything more.

dad

afraid for love to fade...

2005-11-07T15:37:00.000+08:00

/* exactly the way i feel these days ...

/* transcribed by me.. =)

/* to THE KID

my head's in a jam can't take you off my mind
from the time we met i've been beset by thoughts of you
and the more that I ignore this feeling
the more i find myself believing
that i just have to see you again

I can't let you pass me by I just can't let you go
but I know that i am much to shy to let you know
afraid that I might say the wrong words and displease you
Afraid for love to fade before it can come true

Like a child again i'm at a lost for words
how does one to find a crush combined with longing
longing to posses you oh so dearly
i'm obssesed by you completely
i'll go mad if i can't have you

I can't let you pass me by I just can't let you go
but we say the things and say the words to let me know
i would rather say the awkward words than leave you
Afraid for love to fade before it can come true

*~*~~*~~~*~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~~*~~~*~~*~*

Mr. X,

I believe i am over you. Thanks for everything you taught me.

Mistress

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Talking to strangers...

Most of us were told not to talk to strangers when we were still little. As Filipino kids, we dutifully comply with the commands or instructions of the elders. We have to abide by that rule so as to be safe. Then, we think of strangers as bad people.

I am an adult now and i can very well take good care of myself. Now i feel and think different about strangers.

I am an uberchatter. Not because of the amount of sex the internet can give me but because it offers me different kinds of people i can chat with. I don't know if a lot of chatters do the same as I do. I just send private messages to some nick-parker and most of the times i get fucked by luck then i'll have a friend whose name is not known to me. Still, i get to rant about anything and he just read on and make me feel good. I know that my-friend-whose-name-is-not-known-to-me is paying attention. The kind of attention i want from the people closest to me. People so close to me that i can't bare to tell them my life's drama. But this stranger...he feels for me. He'll give me advice when i want to. Or just let me spill out everything as text, read on and then tell me that things will be alright. Then everythings just ends with the gtg's ang tc's without really knowing either names.

That is why i love talking to strangers.

pbc update

2005-11-03T11:08:00.000+08:00

after the drama of dying, i felt better. according to the doctor i was just too stressed out that my body did the auto-immune blah blah. my hair follicles went into a sleep state that disabled its growth. I was given a prescription of a costicosteroid cream and hair grower shampoo. After using it for a week, i saw some improvement. The spot on my head that was so shiny and bright (hehehe) were growing hairs again. Unfortunately, two more smaller area (near the nape)thaw was balding were found.

MR. X.

I got the chance to be with Mr. X last week. It was fun. I really got to act like a real mistress. Did some fucking with him and his partner. I did it with his partner so it wont be obvious to him that it is his lover that i want and its not just plain fucking. Played sweetie-sweetie with Mr. X and i felt like i was walking on air while i was beside him, hugging and kissing. Again, i learned something from him. I thought he likes me the way i like him, but aparently not. I didn't feel bad about it. It was reality and i loved it. =)

THE KID

I was with "the kid" last night. i was on my way home when he called me up. I met up with him and i got to meet him and his friends for the first time. It was, at first, feeling a bit awkward since i am not used to meeting up with a group wherein i know no one. I like the kid. I like him that i felt hurt when they were talking about his current lover. I want to be with the kid. But he is living a life i don't know or i am afraid of. He is a Starbucks boy and i am a Samalamig person. I'll eat my kwek kwek while he eats his cinnamon roll. I don't know if i'll be able to cope up given that situation. Still, i am gonna try though.

i'm dying..

2005-10-21T09:30:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 09:41 AM

ei, you guys. i wanna tell you that i really do love you all. i have to say that because i won't last any longer. i am dying...

yes. i am... how i knew about it??? read on.

yesterday i went straight to a barber shop after work to have a haircut. everthing was going well until the barber saw an area on my head without much hair and asked me if i knew about it. he even showed me which part it is. i asked him if it is "poknat" and he said it isn't. He told me the area can still be concealed by the surrounding hair. I got scared when he told me that there's a disease relating to this hair loss.

I came home and told mom about it. i thought she was going to have nervous breakdown. She was really worried and asked me to go see a doctor as soon as possible. My sister and my tita saw my head and had some theories about it..just like the following...

Theory 1 : My tita theorized that i wasn't getting enough vitamins because i stopped eating some particular food. Nobody seconded on her statement. My mon told her it is just "pork" that i stopped eating.. everything else is edible to me.

Theory 2. : My sister suggested that maybe it was the last one who cut my hair did it and did not tell me that he kind of shaved off that part. I did not agree with her becuase i think it should have been growing back by then. i had my last haircut done three weeks ago.

Theory 3. : My mom thinks its because of the radiation from the computer monitor. i have been spending much more time using the computer than usual since i got into playing Ragnarok Online. My mom always blame the computer everytime i feel ill. As always..i told her not to blame the pc.

Theory 4. : A friend told me i must be molting. starting with the head part. heheheh funny!

The most acceptable theory is mine. i have an ample amount of evidence to prove its validity. and even you knows about it.

Theory 5: I have brain cancer. Yes. I have it. Thanks to Philippine cinema for it has taught me the reason behind this mysterious hair loss. Everytime i see a movie with someone very ill and has brain related sickness...their hair falls off gradually.. when the disease is at its terminal stage..the actor/actress looses every hairstrand they have. This must really be it!!! No other theory can come closer as a explaination to what is happening with me.

I'll try to see a doctor so i would know how much time is left for me so i can prepare everything before i die.

good day to you and i love you all!

-FIN-

i'm back...

2005-10-18T10:23:00.000+08:00

haven't got time for blogging last week. i had a training on Java Programming Language. i needed to focus on that because it costs me Php 25,000 bond for 6 months added to my existing bond of Php 100,000 for 2 years. had some cranium cracking headache on the third day and i was really thankful the last two days were quite easy to understand and does not give too much info that might only drip off my ear. All in all... i learned but not much. i still have to do some more practice with Java Programming.

wahh!!!

THE EX-BOYFRIEND...

"Tnx. At least naramdaman k rn lht ng gnwa k sau. Ok lng. Last nyt u knw i tried 2 win u back but i guess hndi n pwede. also hndi n ikaw c ***** n nakilala k. Cguro nga dramatic pero dats how i fil e. Ok lng un! Cge tnx. Im happy n nakausap kta again. Tnx " - ex-bf JR sent this thru text messaging on 16th of October 2005.

He called two days before he sent the text message above. He told me that he called just to know how i am. But i believe otherwise. I still felt the air of what he was when we were still a couple. A person who thinks he owns me for a slave.
I got a bit annoyed with him and told him every fault he mastered doing when we were still lovers. I wanted him to dive down way lower to the level that he was trying to project. He wasn't a good boyfriend to the extent of asking him if he truly loved me. He said he did but he wasn't able to show it. I told him that i think he didn't because i never felt i was loved when i was with him. I ranted every single fault he had and how i stayed and supported him even after we broke up.
After the emotional recitation of what has been in my mind for 3 years... i felt better. He asked me if i was angry with him. i told him not. i was just a bit pissed off of how he initially acted. And i told him that maybe it was just my way of ending that chapter of our lives.
The phone conversation got better afterwards. We were laughing and talking about his ex and my besfriend. The two people who made it possible for us to meet. Everything ended good.
The next day he texted me hi and hello and also asked me if it is alright if he court me once again. I told him it is not supposed to be requested. If he wants to do it he'll do it. He called me up in the evening for a chat and again asked me. i told him the same and told him i feel better the way we are today. as friends. he then put up a drama on winning me back. hah! the "wala lang!" scheme of his does not work for me anymore. and i told him to spare me the "hardcore" drama.
We said our goodnights and dozed off.

I have changed. I am no more the person he knew. I am not better but i am not anymore a submissive lover.

"unrequited"

2005-10-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

/* a bit sleepy...should be reading tutorials...can't

/* playing "All I Want" by Toad The Wet Sprocket on my MediaPlayer in Repeat mode...

I chatted with jake yesterday morning on mIRC. He visited this blog and left a message on my Tagboard. He commented on one of the entries. The one with my letter to Mr. X. and described my feelings as "unrequited". I am not really good in English. In writing or conversing. Unfortunately, the dictionary at home doesn't contain that word i was searching for..so, I waited until today to know what the word meant...Today, i learned from my WordWeb program that the meaning of the word "unrequited" is "not returned in kind". A word synonymous to "unanswered" or "unreciprocated".

A love that is unrequited...

*sigh*

Mr. X can never give back the same. Not his fault... it's mine.

=======

Marlon is one of my friends who is very fond of sending chain emails. The last one he sent caused me to get very mad and made me unsubscribe from the yahoogroup. He sent another one today. I replied to the email telling him it's a hoax and things got better.

me : hoax.

lon : cncya, nakalink k pa pala sa yahoogroups, di ko na kasalan pa...

me : anong yahoogroups..eh unsubscribed na ako dun

lon : bakit kaya? tinanggal ko na din ang email add mo sa lists ko promise...

me : sorry lon.

lon : naiiyak n nag ako e, pinipigilan ko lng. ewan ko kung bakit di ko naman sinasadya, parang di ko ksi matangap ang pangyayari.

me : basta lon... sorry na po talaga...sobrang nagalit lang talaga ako at di ko napigilan magreact ng ganun... i am really sorry...*hugs*

lon : forget it! no problem, its ok.

i love you lon! *hugs*

/* for corrections in grammar, please leave it as a comment. thanx.

too many questions...

2005-09-29T10:22:00.000+08:00

/* cried myself to sleep last night...no...not a matter of the heart..its that topup/reload for Ragnarok...
/* sobrang kainis!!! sayang ung time!!! 5x pa naman!! kailangan ko na ipa-level up c H3rM10n3 at c @}`,- MaLdItA -',{@ !!!
/* bie! di ka sumasagot sa Ragna kagabi!!! wahh!! botter!! hihihih! nga po pala..ung acolyte ko ung gamit ko kagabi..free pa kase...

MInsan iniisip ko kung mabait ba ako. Sabi ng ate ko at iba pang ate-atehan..mabait naman daw ako. Sabi ko hinde. Ayaw ko maging mabait...gusto ko sa middle lang...=) May times na mabait ako..at may times na bad/naughty rin naman. I like it this way.

Been on earth since 1980. By now, i should be acting as mature as possible. I am not a child anymore. But I don't know how to do it. Minsan pakiramdam ko ay mature na ako...sabi kase nila iba daw ang pag-iisip ko...which i think s true...pero minsan hindi..minsan typical din ang pagtingin ko sa mga bagay bagay...

I know that age is not directly proportional to the maturity ng thinking ng isang tao. pero gusto kong malaman...ang mga tao ba na matatanda/mature na and has gone thru a lot of things ay masasaktan pa if ever they'll be subjected to the things na nangyayari sa akin ngaun?? Pano kaya nila i-handle ang situation??? Magpapakatanga rin ba sila sa isang pag-ibig na di naman pwedeng maging kanila??? Iiyak ba sila habang iniiisp kung ano ang pwedeng mangyari kung sakaling magkatuluyan sila ng taong kanilang minamahal??? O di na nila mararamdaman un dahil magaling na silang magtago ng totoong nararamdaman dahil kaya na i-control ng utak nila ang pag-burst ng emotion nila??? Sana may makilala ako na ganun...lahat itatanong ko..

Hay naku...sermon na naman from a friend.OO! alam ko mali at mas masasaktan ako...pero masaya ako kahit sandali...ok na sa akin un. kapag lumalim..eh di lumalim! kung masasaktan..eh di masaktan.. again! i am 25! di naman isa lang naging bf ko or naging sexmate ko na na-inlove ako na hindi naging maganda ang kinalabasan. I've been hurt so many times...and i know how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart...kahit na gaano pa kaliit un... problema nga lang kapag sobrang madurog na ung mga pieces ng heart ko. di ko na kakayanin buuin..nakakatakot..pero kung matatakot lang ako at matatakot..walang mangyayari sa akin.

Oist! Mr. X.! dito lang ako...sana magka-orgy ulit...para makita kita. para mahagkan at mayakap kita ulit. Un na lang pag-asa ko... set na ng orgy! I want you that much to allow myself to go thru the orgy thing... I told you already na di ako groupie...but i can go thru orgies just to be with you. I am not saying that you owe me..If i want to then i won't be blogging about it..i'd be telling you this in the flesh.

/* .eof

blog?... lyric page?

2005-09-28T12:00:00.000+08:00

/* one journal turning into a lyrics page...

/* i heard Nolan singing this..got curious..now weeping..

/* i miss you Mr. X.

Grace Is Gone

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my heart take my eyes 'coz I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember another to forget
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again
One drink to remember another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll move on

You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll go

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink my Grace is gone

/* ganitong ganito si "K" kaya nacurious ako eh... ngaun gusto ko magdrama...wahhh!

all i want...

2005-09-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

/* thinking of you while listening to ...

(TOAD THE WET SPROCKET)

Nothing’s so loud
As hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind
And you’ve said neither am i
But the air outside so soft is saying everything
Everything

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...

Nothing’s so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn’t be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
Everything

And it won’t matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we’ll never be
It won’t trouble me

And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say...

/* i want you...

on enhancing relationships...

2005-09-27T10:11:00.000+08:00

/* i'm teary eyed... for i know i cannot have such...
/* di ko ng alam kung ni isa sa mga pointers dito mai-aaply ko sa buhay ko. pero for those who read my blog..baka magamit nio.
/* bie, i miss u! wala ako malambing dito sa office ngaun! wahhhh!
/* Mr. X... *hugs n kisses*

TRUST

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose
number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife ! for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than
you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand ! you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which ca! rries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We! may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's lik! e a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the bo! y's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed
suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is gr! eater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

pootah...

2005-09-25T18:58:00.001+08:00

/* my f**khole hurts. pati buong katawan ko...putang ina! hihihih. :Þ

Mr. X,

i think bumabalik kahit paunti unti ang aking katinuan. sana nga. salamat sa mga pangyayari kagabi. ngaun alam ko kung san talaga ako dapat lumugar. di pa nagbabago ang nararamdaman ko...kilig pa rin..sa mga halik..na alam kong wala naman kahulugan para sa iyo.

magandang gabi...

truly yours,
Mistress

/* bukas di ko masisilayan ang baby ko. ngaun pa lang namimiss ko na sha. *sigh*

gonna miss my bebie...wahhhh!

2005-09-23T17:33:00.000+08:00

/* after merienda sa office
/* sobra busog..pakain kase c gretch at bebie ko...

bebie ko : waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mamimiss ko kyo mga kaibigan!!!!
bebie ko : pinipigil ko lng pro naiiyak n ko!!!!!!!
bebie ko : uhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
me : luv yah bie! *big bear hug*
bebie ko : hehehe ingat lagi
me : kaw din po...always.
bebie ko : hehehe babalik p ko d2
me : alam ko noh..kaya lang matatagalan un.. baka nakapanganak na ako pagbalik mo.. hehehe. o kaya na-chugi na ako dahil nahuli ako natutulog dito sa trabaho... hehehe...basta bie, lagi ka ingat...text kita lagi..promise! *hugs*
bebie ko : nice! hahaha drama parang di bagay
me : hehhehe.
bebie ko : cge ingat n lng lagi tsaka sa pag papalevel up ingat sa mga monsters
me : =Þ

/* pucha bie!!! di mo lang alam ..gusto ko na umiyak! wahhhh!

my birthday says...

2005-09-23T09:41:00.000+08:00

/* from Birthday Chart.doc

If you are a Cat: An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy,with a passion for quick wit. *hehehhe* At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool, when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. *so you guys beware! hihihih* You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

/* from Birthday Meanings.doc

Is your birthday day 31 of the month?
Your Life :
Your emotion is hard to predict. You can be sad this minute and happy in the next. People might find it difficult to follow your emotion and understand you. You tend to take things seriously. *ahuh!*
Your Love :
You take your time to study a person before falling in love. Once you decide that he or she is the one, no one can stop you from making progress, even your partner *not true!!!!*

/* from Birthdays and Numbers.doc

IF you were born on the:
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
Number 4 *hihihih...bullseye!*
You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you are a man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7

/* from Birthstones.doc

Birthstone: Aquamarine
People believed this stone had the ability to aid seafarers. It was also believed that if you dreamed aquamarine it meant you were going to meet a new friend! Aquamarine has also been a symbol for youth and health for many years!

good morning!

2005-09-22T10:45:00.000+08:00

/* woke up 5 in the morning...booted up the pc and connected to the internet
/* ran the Ragnarok bot and did some manhunting on the internet.
/* took a shower...ate breakfast...brushed teeth...
/* prepared myself to go to work...
/* bought some eggpie and inipit from a bakery near the jeepney stop.
/* saw a vendor selling puto, bought 2 pcs for Php10.00
/* napped while in the bus and Fx.
/* greeted the lady guard good morning with a big smile.
/* logged-in 1 minute late from the grace period.
/* handed a reference book to a friend, gave a pack of inipit, and left one of my eggpies for my babie... (he hasn't arrived yet!)
/* went to my workstation...opened the email program and read stuff..replied or laughed to some of them.
/* positioned myself in front of the pc to look busy reading some self-study reference on Java while eyes are closed
/* got caught..now fired by my boss.. just kidding!!!
/* woke up after 7 minutes
/* received a message from my babie...

/* usap babie ko sa IPMsg this morning....

babie ko : oi *name* ano meron? oi salamat ng marami! paborito ko to! waaaaaaaaa!!!
me : ganun! hehehhe.
babie ko : bkit mo ko binigyan?
me : kase meron ako nabili. eh dalwa lang yan. especial ka eh.. hehehe.
babie ko : wow nice!!! salamat!
me : /gg
babie ko : /heh

/* went to his workstation to give him a big bear hug and greet him good morning..
/* back to my workstation
/* now...pretending to "really do something" while blogging

when she cries

2005-09-21T06:15:00.000+08:00

// just woke up.
// hello gwinchy... mornin po!
// one of my fave songs ... by Restless Heart...

The road I have traveled on
Is paved with good intentions
It's littered with broken dreams
That never quite came true
When all of my hopes were dying
Her love kept me trying
And she does her best to hide the pain that she's been through

When she cries at night
And she doesn't think that I can hear her
She tries to hide all the fear she feels inside
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

She's always been there for me
Whenever I've fallen
When nobody else believed
She'd be there by my side
I don't know how she takes it
Just once I'd like to make it
Then there'll be tears of joy
That fill her loving eyes

When she cries at night
And she doesn't think that I can hear her
She tries to hide all the fear she feels inside
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

// wahhhh!! gandang umaga! huhuhuh!

Q & A

2005-09-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

Q : Bakit ginawa ko itong blog ko?
A : Madaldal kase ako. Lahat ng details ng buhay ko gusto ko lahat nakakaalam. Ngaun ko lang narealise kung bakit ako madaldal ako about me and my life. Kase kulang ako sa pansin. papansin ako ng papansin sa mga tao sa paligid ko. I want attention from my family and my friends. Yes, binibigyan naman nila ako attention, pero sana ung attention na hinahanap ko. I am not normal. I won't be living a normal life in a million years. Minsan gusto ko isigaw sa family and friends ko..."Alms! Alms! Give me a piece of bread! spare me your mercy! alms..alms.." Funny di ba? I want to beg for attention. Sana ako naman ang pakinggan nila. I want to beg for my family to finally accept me for what i am and not for the things I give them. I want to beg for a three-way-calling/conference call with friends to talk about me. Yung sa akin lang ung attention nila. Yung kapag sinabi ko na i am doing something and i can't talk to them, they will say goodbye and hang-up the phone. dahil ayaw ko na ulit ulitin and sinasabi ko para marinig ako. Nababaliw na nga yata talaga ako. Wala organization of thoughts.

Q : Bakit pathetic mistress ang pangalan ng blogsite ko?
A : May inclination kase ako maging mistress. Di lang sa ngaun... feeling ko kahit nung nasa teens pa lang ako...wala ako choice kundi maging kabit... un lang pede daw ibigay sa akin eh. kahit nasasaktan...go pa rin...cguro kse i am realy desperate to have someone to give me attention...kahit kaunti...kahit sandali.

Q : Bakit black ang motif ng blogsite ko?
A : Feel ko lang...hihih... Kase gusto ko ilagay ang thoughts ko sa isang lugar na madilim...para dramatic...talking to myself in the dark like an insane person. It wont matter if you hear me or not. Its me talking to me. It's me convincing me to do what I think will make me happy and stuff. It's me giving attention to me all for myself.

Q : Bakit public yung blogsite ko?
A : Attention.

Q : Bakit pinapanindigan ko ang pagiging mistress?
A : If its the only best thing that I can get from the person i want/love...why not?

Gusto ko sha!

2005-09-20T08:03:00.000+08:00

/* kahapon...wala magawa sa office
/* chat na lang

me : salamat sa free taste.. hehehe nagastusan ka pa. =) sakit talag ng throat ko. Wish ko lang wag mainfect.. wahhh! nyahaha!
anne : hehehhehe!ok lng un..
me : lam mo..naisip ko..di ko sha dapat hinalikan.. imean ung lips to lips.ung laplapang malupet...kase alam ko sa sarili ko na nagiging emotionally attached ako kapag nakikipaghalikan ako. wahhh!! huhuhu! ewan ko ba...masaya ako na malungkot... masaya ako dahil nakilala ko sha..lungkot ako kase di naman sha magiging akin. anne, this is beyond sex. patawa tawa ako at kilig pero sa loob ko pala malungkot.
anne : gnun tlga...hindi lhat ng gs2 ntin nkukuha ntin..malay mo nmn kaya di kau pede kc merong ryt one for you..na darating in the near future d b?
me : buti ka pa nakakapag-isip ka ng ganyan...
me : pede bang gustuhin ko na lang ung gusto ko...
me : ayaw ko ng ryt one. gusto ko sha..
me : malay natin kung ngaun lang.. pero gusto ko na sha!
me : anne, ano ba ako? bakit ako ganito? gusto ko magkahiwalay sila... gusto ko ako na lang ung maging asawa nia.
me : nakakainis...di dapat ako isip ganun kase kakikilala ko pa lang sa kanya.
me : cguro kase sariwa pa ang alaala ng matamis na halik. (alam ko he likes me din *o assuming lang ako* ...di na ako mabitawan..parang gusto nia pa rin ako makasama pero sabi ko na kailangn ko na umalis, kung nakita mo lang ung tagpo na un na kiss lang kami.. wahh!!! shet! taeng malagkit!)
me : anne, sana wag ka magsawa makinig sa akin. at magbigay ng mga panalong kasabihan na pwedeng isagot sa miss universe. panalo ka! grabeh!
me : *big bear hug* =)
anne : naiintindihan kita...minsan din nmn s buhay ko nranasan ko na ung taong gs2ng gs2 ko eh hindi naman pede skin...lam mo na...ung lam mo na gs2 ka rin nya at gs2 mo cya pero di tlga pede kya nkaka-relate ako sa mga wento mo..kya lng pag pinabayaan mo yan na lumalim at tumagal lalo ka lng msasaktan..lam nmn ntin na wlang kcguraduhan ung gs2 ntin d b?mas mgiging masakit un pra sau..kya nga hanggang maaga at kaya mo pa hiwalayan gawin mo na...
me : wahhh!!!
me : girl, gusto ko sha... isang text message lang cgurado bibigay na ako. baka magkandarapa pa nga ako sa pagsagot ng txt msg. hehehe
me : hayyy... totoo ung sinabi mo..pero ako kase ung tao na mapusok. gagawin ko ung gusto ko. kahit sinabi mo pa na masasaktan ako. masochist yata ako eh. hehhe
me : basta kapag nasaktan ako... sana andian ka pa rin para makinig ... and will never tell me na "i told you so.."
me : =)
me : good day po! hehehe *big bear hug*
anne : actually pareho tau!hehehehhehe!khit lam ko na na mali tinutuloy ko pa rin khit msasaktan ako...heheheheh!kya naiintindihan kita...basta kng sa tingin mo kng san ka sasaya go ka...at least khit nsaktan ka..nransan mo nmn na sumaya...heheheheh!kunsintidor...palibhasa gnun din ako eh...=)
me : heheheh, correct! ..salamat! gusto ko maiyak...grabe.. heehehehe
anne : gnun?!ok lng yan...i know how u feel....basta go lng ng go..pag nadapa di tumayo...=)
me : wahh! anu ba yan!! *sigh*
me : natutuwa ako sa iyo anne, i like the way you think. sana kapag nasa iba na ako company... o kya eh ikaw ay lumisan at ako ay binuburo pa rin dito...sana friends pa rin tayo.. hihihi *hugs*
anne : cyempre nmn noh!di nmn nwawala un porque di n tau mgksama...=)
me : girl, gawa ako bago blog. ilalagay ko tong usapan natin... natutuwa kase ako eh. ok lang ba?
anne : sure!hehehehhehe!
me : thanx!
anne : =)

/* end of file